Ask Max Monday: Don’t Lick a Bellybutton, Either

[ 4 ] October 28, 2013 |

Ask Max Monday

Ok so you have us some good advice when before the little person came so we need more. We thought all the toys were ours. Now he will pick up the balls and play with them. And he plays with the plane with the string that makes noise that we love to drag around. Do we really have to share with him? Mom person says some of the toys are his but we like them. She does not dare try and stop us from playing but when we are done they go into the baby area not our toy area. What do we do? So whose toys are they?

Toys in the house are automatically yours. That’s the law. Federal Feline Law #2,879,404.99c states that “Once established in domicile, all playthings, including items that may be construed as playthings, such as eggs, potatoes, pinecones, feet, noses, peanuts in the shell, or anything else that a cat may choose to play with, shall become property of the feline.”

Now, the law is definitely on your side. You are within your rights to refuse even temporary use to the sticky person. But, and I implore you to consider this strongly, it is also truth that sticky people grow into not-so-sticky and then middle sized people, and these people—when treated with kindness—can become your allies. They share food, sneak treats, provide warms, and even chin skritches. So sharing with the kid now is probably in your best interests, as it helps to protect the comfort of your future.

It never hurts to share…and the forward benefits can be awesome.

Dear Max, How do you get your Woman to pay attention long enough to write your thunks? My LadyDood is all, “Ok, let’s work on…oooooo SHINY!” I can’t get her to… wait… was that my feathery jingly ball????? IT WAS!!! GOTTAGOBYE! ~BratCat

Dood, it’s not always easy, but for the most part I just tell her what I want her to write—usually three or four times—and then I send her to Starbucks with a laptop, where she drinks a lot of iced tea and where she can work without the distraction of the TV and the Man. So tell your LadyDood what you want her to write about and then send her to Starbucks.

Max, where’s my belly button?

Under your fur, on your lower belly. And it’s smooth, like your skin, so you can’t stick things in it the way you can a people’s. And that’s all right, because if you’ve ever stuck your nose into a person’s bellybutton…dood. Ugh. It stinks.

Max, I pooped outside the litter box on accident and the lady got upset, I think. She stomped through the house saying, “Who did that? Who did that?” There are 5 of us and no one said anything even though my brothers and sister knew it was me. I don’t know what to do? What do I do?

Dood. Do it again. Obviously it got her all excited. People like to be excited. So go poop on the floor again, and see what happens. Just don’t do it a third time, or you’ll all wind up at the stabby place because she’ll think someone is sick, and if you all go, your brothers and sisters will get about 6 kinds of mad at you.

But for sure, do it one more time! Excited people are happy people.

Swearsies.

Category: 0 - Featured, Ask Max Monday, Columns

About the Author ()

Max the Psycho Kitty is 14 pounds of sleek black and white glory. With an attitude ... and opinions ... on everything. He's a put-upon and under-appreciated domestic feline with an addiction to Kitty Crack and an appetite for Stinky Goodness. A pioneer in the Cat Blogosphere, he began his popular blog "The Psychokitty Speaks Out" in October of 2003 Max is the author of three books, "The PsychoKitty Speaks Out: Diary of a Mad Housecat," its sequel "The Psychokitty Speaks Out: Something of Yours Will Meet a Toothy Death," and "The Rules: A Guide For People Owned By Cats."

Comments (4)

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  1. Dear Max,

    We normally help mom with the foster kittens. But right now there is a weird sound coming from the bathroom. It kinda sounds like she brought home a baby chick-hen. How do we find out since she won’t let us in there right now (something about the babies not having enough shots)? And what if it IS baby chick-hens??

    THANKS
    Random Felines

  2. Dio the Kitty says:

    Max, percentage wise how often do your peoples make sense?

  3. This was great news that there exists a law for the ownership of stuff! Good news indeed. You see, my staff is trying to limit my access to the toys of the smallest ones, and it’s annoying me so much! So what I might have been eating some of the toys, I think they are very much overacting when they are closing the doors to the rooms where the toys are stored. I think I need to throw this law-thing to their face and see what they think about that!

    P.S. I just love your wisdom. Respect.

  4. Supie says:

    Max, do you think our food lady sees other cats on the side? Occasionally, she comes home smelling like she gived our scritches to some other cat and wearing da wrong color furs on her shirt. Where on earf could she be finding other cats to be friends with? We are the center of her universe! We think it’s time to scratch the sofa and pee on somefing that can’t be cleaned, don’t you? Love always, Spider and Gracie

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